re: this way

it was brought to my attention that i have a gift: i don't have expectations for people. this allows me the ability to bypass a certain level of disappointment and frustration when it comes to others. i guess i never thought about it that way. i am not naive, nor am i ignorant- i accept people for who they are. i require nothing from them. oh, of course if i get something i am truely thankful and appreciative but if not, no worries. i have the ability to be content without them. however, i do enjoy the addition of those that i love- the chosen few whom i have allowed in and kept around. they are a divinely special bunch. no really, they are magic.

i thought about 'this way' a bit more. dove a little deeper into the thoughts, experiences and influences. as most things, this way may stem from childhood. my parents are love- two of the most selfless, kind, patient, and calm people i have ever met. at my age of eight, their marriage dissolved. they took care to make sure i knew that nothing was my fault, that they loved me. there was no mess, no fighting, all remained peaceful. what did change was the living arrangement- i would spend one week with one parent, and the next week with the other, alternating homes and lifestyles every week for the next 10 years of my life. i became an expert at packing. got my caboodle together and all my favorite things (my island) said bye to mom and hello to dad- bye to dad and hello to mom. it was kinda fun this life, always changing, living on my own in a way.

upon further reflection, i wonder if this made me a loner, a wanderer- off on my own, doing my own thing. did my own thing a lot. i had diverse interests- started ski racing at the age of seven. was clearly the only one of my friends doing that. that's fine, i'll just train by myself- wake up at 5am on weekends go train with the support of my father. travel to oregon to spend 2 weeks training some more every summer. then came fashion. once again the lone ranger with no partners. that's fine- it's what i like so... it's what i have to do. focussed on art, skill and aesthetics, beauty, clothing, and make-up. came to ny to grow and italy to expand. on my own.

friends and fam are here but... i am by myself. there is no doubt in my mind that i am loved. but people can't always be there, even if they desire to be. they accept me, but don't really understand this way. not sure if anyone ever will. it's fine- He does.

this way

he asked me why am i this way. out of all his friends, i'm the only one that acts like this. even out of all my friends, i am the lone black sheep.

http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/infp/

i live on an island. its just north of reality. occasionally, i go down south to visit others, bringing my island with me of course, to exchange fruit and other local delicacies. at the end of the day i fall asleep and my island is right back where it started.

it also seems as though there is a portion of the population that isn't very keen on my owning this land. i tend not to acknowledge their presence. oh yes, at first it was hard- had me thinking something was wrong with me. but i discovered there is no wrong, just difference. i am exactly the way i am because this is how God created me to be... island and all.

i guess this still doesn't answer the why. i mean why is the sky blue? geez. it's so hard to say. what makes me, would for the most part seem to be subconscious layers of thoughts, experiences, and influence (how is this different from everyone else though?)

it has been observed that i don't quite fall in line with the general population, and i feel it myself, but what is IT?

the people that i purposefully keep in my life and keep close to me inspire. they bring me an element of safety and comfort. their islands are usually filled with people because that's what makes them happy. i love it when they are in this state of contentment, but enjoy them most when i have them all to myself. they sometimes venture off their populated islands to experience a bit of peace on mine. i have noticed over the years that i have never quite been away from my island, but in all honestly that's how i would prefer it.

on the contrary, there are times when i don't like being on my island. occasionally darkness falls and all i can do is sit and pray. most of the population isn't aware that my island knows more than the sun. i usually don't invite others at night. bad habit. i guess to me it seems as though darkness is contagious. i'd rather not put a damper on their cocktail parties. so i usually wallow and stay in prayer. eventually, i fall asleep and wake to the sun again. knowing that i am still alone and on my own but that it is ok.

i still probably haven't answered the why... dunno if i have an answer or if it is really important. i just am.

how fitting

that the definition of SHAYLA is "fairy palace"

(this is too much.. i can't even make this stuff up)

thanks mom & dad.

warning: it comes & goes

in the past i have diagnosed myself with a photographic memory

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eidetic_memory

i think this still holds true

however, i will not be held responsible for remembering the things i did not see

that is all.

bliss at 8pm

enlightenment. faith. peace. tranquility. self.

sitting in ft. greene, wondering, wandering, take breath, take deep breath- i received my sigh of relief. my peace is here. no other statement could ever be more true. my inspiration is here. when else would, i, shayla cox, write this. clinton hill, ft. greene, dumbo, all contribute to my flowery existence once i cross that bridge from money, chaos, greed. i ask myself, what is it all for? been asking that a lot lately. i mean really... i'm so over manhattan- wouldn't mind if my entire existence was in brooklyn my love.

sometimes i ask myself what's next. after ny, then what? you really gonna stay here? raise kids here? dunnno. where else can you find the antiquity of architecturally enriched brownstone blocks? or community so nationally/internationally diverse? full of art, fashion, life... everything i have come to love during my 25 years is right here.

is it a phase?

*and if you do know a place that is similar to what is described above, please let me know so i can add it to my list of one. thanks.