april 20 :: bday eve :: thoughts

It’s April 20, 2010 and tomorrow I will be 27 years of age.

I have been thinking about where I am in my life right now and if I step back and take a look I’m doing just fine. No comparisons to the general population, no looking at time, just asking myself if I am doing what is necessary to be the best me.

I realized not too long ago that I must make things beautiful and make beautiful things. Today, I am an artist. For so long I thought the word too bold, I was too humble to have the label placed upon me. I did not want to be responsible for its weight. Today, I know not claiming what I have been called to be is death. I understand now.

I do battle, however, with the need to take in information vs. the need to create. I observe and absorb so much but my output is quite minimal. Reminds me of a friend’s childhood story- for the entirety of her time as a toddler through adolescence she barely spoke… barely said a word… and today she is the life of the party and a social butterfly. Was she just taking it all in during those foundational years? Only to have a overflow of fervor for life years later…

I am comfortable and that scares me. It is in this place that I fear complacency and acceptance. Isn’t it anger and problems that inspired creative solutions and gallant expressive acts?

I must want more and strive for greater than this moment. Every moment should be the ultimate moment.

I look at photographs of New Yorkers and all I see is youth. The life we lead here is so young. Selfish. Is it the lack of responsibility to anyone but ourselves that keeps us going? Keeps us cool/chic/on trend etc.?

For the first time in a long time I am truly single. I have cut off or took a break from all of my guy “friends.” You know, the ones that I would hang out with, hook up with or had an unfailing attraction for. All of them gone. It’s a bit liberating I must admit. A friend said to me, “I love single Shayla.” Me too. I do what I want with my time, find MY way… I’m finding my person without the influence of others or another.

I didn’t know that being an artist was an option. Seemed unsafe. How can I make a living from that? It’s not what I saw as a child. My parents, both in ‘stable’ jobs- teacher and project manager at architectural firm.

I have been thinking a lot about leaving New York. Thinking about the west coast or moving home for a bit. Thought of grad school at Ohio State.. apparently they have a decent program in ceramics. I have really appreciated my new-found interest in pottery. There is also a program in San Francisco. Both programs are in the top 10… hum, wonder if I could go to OSU for free? Or get a killer scholarship for SF.

I am easily influenced… gotta stop that. The world is too loud and my mind too quiet. Speak up.