may 8 :: thoughts

…since when do people know what they want?

This was Shaun’s response to me.. his wisdom via God/Morgan Freeman in the movie Bruce Almighty. I was explaining to him how through all of my changes and my growth I haven’t the slightest idea of what my type is regarding men. Ok, so maybe a little idea about what I need from past experiences.. but as far as what that package looks like and how to spot him… I’m completely stumped.

However, in writing this it seems to all make sense. I can’t judge anyone from the outside and that was probably my issue before... Duh- So caught up with the external… what is lacking from the internal goes unnoticed. I should just focus on how I feel, the chemistry, the balance… I guess I’ll know it when it comes… which is what they say right?

Several things…

So I met a guy on Wednesday… long story short, I found out (via google… I know I know) that he may be kindofabigdeal. Immediately, I must say I became a bit intimidated by the thought of proceeding with him and what it means, say if we enter into a relationship (can’t help it.) Am I ready for the responsibility of being the counterpart to someone like that? Good enough? When he finds out more about me will he think I’m the appropriate choice for his life? Will he find value in who I am and what I am doing? Possess the patience to peel back the layers? To know that he can only see a fraction of me at this moment and that I will always be growing, changing, morphing and being… Appreciate that that’s the intriguing part of being with me? It will never get old…

Separate, but equally important… several people (kids in school) are leaving my job. For a moment because of their moving on I began to feel stuck. Like I am in a place where I have accepted my fate to work in a retail store.

Then, after a few moments I snapped myself out of it. New York and life can be so distracting! I am where I should be. I am working on my 10,000 hours. I am only at Reiss only 3 days a week (with full-time benefits might I add), and I have freedom to work DK and plenty of time to focus on my pottery. This is my lifestyle at the moment… what I wanted, what I asked for, what I received, and what I am thankful for. It is not exactly as I imagined but it’s damn near perfect. My career cannot and will not make me. My presence in this world is a gift and I should, will and do carry myself as such. What I have to offer is special to me and me only. You’re welcome.

No man or outside distraction is going to knock me off track for who I am now and who I am slated to be.