Saturday, August 23, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
re: this way
it was brought to my attention that i have a gift: i don't have expectations for people. this allows me the ability to bypass a certain level of disappointment and frustration when it comes to others. i guess i never thought about it that way. i am not naive, nor am i ignorant- i accept people for who they are. i require nothing from them. oh, of course if i get something i am truely thankful and appreciative but if not, no worries. i have the ability to be content without them. however, i do enjoy the addition of those that i love- the chosen few whom i have allowed in and kept around. they are a divinely special bunch. no really, they are magic.
i thought about 'this way' a bit more. dove a little deeper into the thoughts, experiences and influences. as most things, this way may stem from childhood. my parents are love- two of the most selfless, kind, patient, and calm people i have ever met. at my age of eight, their marriage dissolved. they took care to make sure i knew that nothing was my fault, that they loved me. there was no mess, no fighting, all remained peaceful. what did change was the living arrangement- i would spend one week with one parent, and the next week with the other, alternating homes and lifestyles every week for the next 10 years of my life. i became an expert at packing. got my caboodle together and all my favorite things (my island) said bye to mom and hello to dad- bye to dad and hello to mom. it was kinda fun this life, always changing, living on my own in a way.
upon further reflection, i wonder if this made me a loner, a wanderer- off on my own, doing my own thing. did my own thing a lot. i had diverse interests- started ski racing at the age of seven. was clearly the only one of my friends doing that. that's fine, i'll just train by myself- wake up at 5am on weekends go train with the support of my father. travel to oregon to spend 2 weeks training some more every summer. then came fashion. once again the lone ranger with no partners. that's fine- it's what i like so... it's what i have to do. focussed on art, skill and aesthetics, beauty, clothing, and make-up. came to ny to grow and italy to expand. on my own.
friends and fam are here but... i am by myself. there is no doubt in my mind that i am loved. but people can't always be there, even if they desire to be. they accept me, but don't really understand this way. not sure if anyone ever will. it's fine- He does.
i thought about 'this way' a bit more. dove a little deeper into the thoughts, experiences and influences. as most things, this way may stem from childhood. my parents are love- two of the most selfless, kind, patient, and calm people i have ever met. at my age of eight, their marriage dissolved. they took care to make sure i knew that nothing was my fault, that they loved me. there was no mess, no fighting, all remained peaceful. what did change was the living arrangement- i would spend one week with one parent, and the next week with the other, alternating homes and lifestyles every week for the next 10 years of my life. i became an expert at packing. got my caboodle together and all my favorite things (my island) said bye to mom and hello to dad- bye to dad and hello to mom. it was kinda fun this life, always changing, living on my own in a way.
upon further reflection, i wonder if this made me a loner, a wanderer- off on my own, doing my own thing. did my own thing a lot. i had diverse interests- started ski racing at the age of seven. was clearly the only one of my friends doing that. that's fine, i'll just train by myself- wake up at 5am on weekends go train with the support of my father. travel to oregon to spend 2 weeks training some more every summer. then came fashion. once again the lone ranger with no partners. that's fine- it's what i like so... it's what i have to do. focussed on art, skill and aesthetics, beauty, clothing, and make-up. came to ny to grow and italy to expand. on my own.
friends and fam are here but... i am by myself. there is no doubt in my mind that i am loved. but people can't always be there, even if they desire to be. they accept me, but don't really understand this way. not sure if anyone ever will. it's fine- He does.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
this way
he asked me why am i this way. out of all his friends, i'm the only one that acts like this. even out of all my friends, i am the lone black sheep.
http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/infp/
i live on an island. its just north of reality. occasionally, i go down south to visit others, bringing my island with me of course, to exchange fruit and other local delicacies. at the end of the day i fall asleep and my island is right back where it started.
it also seems as though there is a portion of the population that isn't very keen on my owning this land. i tend not to acknowledge their presence. oh yes, at first it was hard- had me thinking something was wrong with me. but i discovered there is no wrong, just difference. i am exactly the way i am because this is how God created me to be... island and all.
i guess this still doesn't answer the why. i mean why is the sky blue? geez. it's so hard to say. what makes me, would for the most part seem to be subconscious layers of thoughts, experiences, and influence (how is this different from everyone else though?)
it has been observed that i don't quite fall in line with the general population, and i feel it myself, but what is IT?
the people that i purposefully keep in my life and keep close to me inspire. they bring me an element of safety and comfort. their islands are usually filled with people because that's what makes them happy. i love it when they are in this state of contentment, but enjoy them most when i have them all to myself. they sometimes venture off their populated islands to experience a bit of peace on mine. i have noticed over the years that i have never quite been away from my island, but in all honestly that's how i would prefer it.
on the contrary, there are times when i don't like being on my island. occasionally darkness falls and all i can do is sit and pray. most of the population isn't aware that my island knows more than the sun. i usually don't invite others at night. bad habit. i guess to me it seems as though darkness is contagious. i'd rather not put a damper on their cocktail parties. so i usually wallow and stay in prayer. eventually, i fall asleep and wake to the sun again. knowing that i am still alone and on my own but that it is ok.
i still probably haven't answered the why... dunno if i have an answer or if it is really important. i just am.
http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/infp/
i live on an island. its just north of reality. occasionally, i go down south to visit others, bringing my island with me of course, to exchange fruit and other local delicacies. at the end of the day i fall asleep and my island is right back where it started.
it also seems as though there is a portion of the population that isn't very keen on my owning this land. i tend not to acknowledge their presence. oh yes, at first it was hard- had me thinking something was wrong with me. but i discovered there is no wrong, just difference. i am exactly the way i am because this is how God created me to be... island and all.
i guess this still doesn't answer the why. i mean why is the sky blue? geez. it's so hard to say. what makes me, would for the most part seem to be subconscious layers of thoughts, experiences, and influence (how is this different from everyone else though?)
it has been observed that i don't quite fall in line with the general population, and i feel it myself, but what is IT?
the people that i purposefully keep in my life and keep close to me inspire. they bring me an element of safety and comfort. their islands are usually filled with people because that's what makes them happy. i love it when they are in this state of contentment, but enjoy them most when i have them all to myself. they sometimes venture off their populated islands to experience a bit of peace on mine. i have noticed over the years that i have never quite been away from my island, but in all honestly that's how i would prefer it.
on the contrary, there are times when i don't like being on my island. occasionally darkness falls and all i can do is sit and pray. most of the population isn't aware that my island knows more than the sun. i usually don't invite others at night. bad habit. i guess to me it seems as though darkness is contagious. i'd rather not put a damper on their cocktail parties. so i usually wallow and stay in prayer. eventually, i fall asleep and wake to the sun again. knowing that i am still alone and on my own but that it is ok.
i still probably haven't answered the why... dunno if i have an answer or if it is really important. i just am.
prayer 7 & 29 july 2008
prayer 7:
the much-needed break to st. lucia was a blessing and i can’t thank you enough. the beach the rainforest, the tranquility, the ease, and even mosquitoes… i thank you for all of it. i would also like to thank you for the company. he was such a joy; we laughed, talked and laughed some more. i was truly comforted by his presence and every moment drew us closer. i only imagined moments like the times we shared. love was found. i look to you. i am forever grateful that i have known these feelings.
you have also blessed me with insight. for the past couple of years i have been on a thoughtful journey of self-exploration, purpose, etc. i have also come to several conclusions, how diverse they may be, that i should be working for myself. i have come up with several great ideas but have neglected to form a solid plan/timeline and a course of action. Lord, i believe my time is now. i’m looking to you for reassurance- we have had the conversation and I need your strength and perseverance to do this. help me to be focused and ACTION oriented. i know through you i can and will do these things.
prayer 29:
it’s a world out there. always living vibrantly, quickly- stopping or pausing to take a breath. recovery is more like it- we live in daily surgery, often operating on the same place, the same open wound. we can only look to you in these times, look for you within ourselves. there is no other option- for me at least.
i see her; she is in you and you in her. my view of her is prayer. what is she to learn? i hope there is sharing so don’t have to experience it too. or maybe that's just how it goes. Lord keep her… i know you are carrying right now, but she may feel like she is drowning. oh, how i want this to be over for her lord. bring her out of this state, stronger, changed and wiser.
additionally, please continue to keep me lord- keep me motivated and driven and energized. this is complete tiredom. sacrifice is necessary. i know. please aid so I can maintain and exceed my goals. Lord, show me when it’s time for me to leave the establishment. bless me with resources and clients so there is minimal transitional struggle. keep me in ACTION… i need that. the thought comes a bit easier.
to my angel. please keep her strong- i know she is feeling a bit taxed… help her to maintain. Lord, help me to help her feel almighty and important. she is so awesome.
he is away again. it’s good because his absence is allowing me to focus so… i miss him. keep him safe as he travels. allow him to come back refreshed, renewed and awake. i know he has had a lot on his mind. make it clear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
