re: this way

it was brought to my attention that i have a gift: i don't have expectations for people. this allows me the ability to bypass a certain level of disappointment and frustration when it comes to others. i guess i never thought about it that way. i am not naive, nor am i ignorant- i accept people for who they are. i require nothing from them. oh, of course if i get something i am truely thankful and appreciative but if not, no worries. i have the ability to be content without them. however, i do enjoy the addition of those that i love- the chosen few whom i have allowed in and kept around. they are a divinely special bunch. no really, they are magic.

i thought about 'this way' a bit more. dove a little deeper into the thoughts, experiences and influences. as most things, this way may stem from childhood. my parents are love- two of the most selfless, kind, patient, and calm people i have ever met. at my age of eight, their marriage dissolved. they took care to make sure i knew that nothing was my fault, that they loved me. there was no mess, no fighting, all remained peaceful. what did change was the living arrangement- i would spend one week with one parent, and the next week with the other, alternating homes and lifestyles every week for the next 10 years of my life. i became an expert at packing. got my caboodle together and all my favorite things (my island) said bye to mom and hello to dad- bye to dad and hello to mom. it was kinda fun this life, always changing, living on my own in a way.

upon further reflection, i wonder if this made me a loner, a wanderer- off on my own, doing my own thing. did my own thing a lot. i had diverse interests- started ski racing at the age of seven. was clearly the only one of my friends doing that. that's fine, i'll just train by myself- wake up at 5am on weekends go train with the support of my father. travel to oregon to spend 2 weeks training some more every summer. then came fashion. once again the lone ranger with no partners. that's fine- it's what i like so... it's what i have to do. focussed on art, skill and aesthetics, beauty, clothing, and make-up. came to ny to grow and italy to expand. on my own.

friends and fam are here but... i am by myself. there is no doubt in my mind that i am loved. but people can't always be there, even if they desire to be. they accept me, but don't really understand this way. not sure if anyone ever will. it's fine- He does.